The Neurotic Necromancer
by RedLady
Summary: A Necromancer attempt to tell his side of the story. But what happens when a higher power becomes involved. If you liked my other stories, you'll like this one. : )
1. Necromancer Vs. Higher Power

From the creator of "Diablo's A Girl" and "Seven Silly Saviors" comes a new epic story.   
Written strictly to make you laugh; another load of complete and utter . . . nonsense, this new  
story: "The Neurotic Necromancer" by: (you know who) RedLady. Of course. Who else?   
Look at that. You made me conceded!  
  
Well I just couldn't help but do another humorous story to go along with the Diablo world. And  
Necromancers are the coolest to work with, so don't get mad at me for making fun of them. I  
love them, I really do.   
  
Thanks for reviewing my other stuff. I love you man! And let me just get on with the story  
before I embarrass myself. And I laughed at my own story. Is that like illegal or something? It  
feels wrong somehow. Anyway read and feel free to make this girl's day by leaving a little  
review. Then I'll be back to write another story.  
  
  
  
THE NEUROTIC NECROMANCER   
  
(What an alliteration, huh?)  
  
By: RedLady (Master of Original Ideas)  
  
  
A Necromancer attempts to tell his side of the story. But what happens when a higher power  
interrupts and tries to tell everyone that he's not even a real Necromancer. Guest appearance by  
Tryeal. And I'd like to tell everybody that even though I wish I did, I don't own Diablo. K?   
Just wanted to get that fact clear. Also any flames some people may magically produce will be  
fed to Diablo who thrives off the burning stuff. (We don't want to keep him alive now do we?   
Oh yes, he also gets your soul. Couldn't help but mention that part. So if you want to keep your  
soul, I suggest not doing anything drastic.) Special thanks goes to Adro13 who thinks I'm  
copying his interview idea. (Look! Did I give you the credit you deserve?) Anyway. He gave  
me the idea for this story and even helped in writing bits of it. Did I cover everything? Am I  
thorough enough? And now that we got all that out of the way. Onto the story.   
  
  
The first two parts are nothing but funny nonsense, but it gets better, I promise you.  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 1: Necromancer vs. Higher Power  
  
Greetings fellow men and ladies. I am a Necromancer. Now don't run away? Why are you  
running away? Just because we hang out with the dead doesn't mean we're evil? What? It's not  
that? Oh. (sniff, sniff). It's the stench. Oh. Sorry.  
  
(Comes back after taking a long bath which took nine hours to get the whole decaying body  
smell out of his skin.)  
  
Ok. That better? As I was saying is that I am a Necromancer. (crickets chirp). Good. Just  
wanted to make that fact clear. My name is Diputs and I defeated the almighty Lord of . . . what  
was it again? Pain? Terror? Suffering? Oh well. All I know is that he was the lord of  
something and a Prime evil. Meaning only the number itself and one can go into it . . . I think.   
Isn't that what a prime number is? Anyway. As I was saying, I killed them. It was all me! Boo  
Ya! Who's ya daddy! Is it Tyreal?   
  
(Dances around the room.) Go me! Go me! It's ya birthday! Its ya birthday! I'm good! I'm  
good! I'm cool! I'm cool! Yeah! Yeah!   
  
[This singing is getting highly repetitive with you repeating everything twice]  
  
What? Who said that? What? Who said that?  
  
[I am a higher power at work here! And I am here to set the record strait.]  
  
There's a record?  
  
[You should know better than to lie to these poor ladies and gentlemen who are unsuspecting  
fools and may be lured into your strange views of craziness. I don't even know how you survived  
all these years.]  
  
What do you mean! I'm a Necromancer! I laugh at death! Death is my friend. There is nothing  
to fear of death! (Thinks a bit.) Except maybe dying. I've never died before and I really don't  
want to find out what it is all about just yet.  
  
[See what I mean ladies and gentlemen. Please do not listen to this bozo!]  
  
What! How dare you say that. People, people. (looks at audience--in other words looks at you.)   
Who are you gonna believe? Me, a hero and Necromancer. Or a higher power.  
  
[My votes for the higher power. How 'bout yours?]  
  
(Everyone votes for a higher power and the Necromancer is voted off the island . . .)  
  
What island?  
  
[Anyway. I will tell the real story. You were never that great of a warrior.]  
  
I wasn't? Than how do you explain this! (Holds up a sword!)  
  
[Stolen from a dead body in the wilderness. Anyways, Necromancers don't even use swords.]  
  
They don't?  
  
[But I'm not here to explain the ways of the Necromancer. My dear mortals. This is a man who  
suddenly woke up one day and decided to be a Necromancer.]  
  
What are you talking about? I thought long and hard over that decision.  
  
[Over breakfast you mean.]  
  
It takes a long time to spread the butter on my toast!  
  
[Necromancers don't even eat toast.]  
  
They don't?   
  
[I don't know. You tell me.]  
  
If you don't know, then why did you say that, huh? Oh mighty greater power?  
  
[You're supposed to be a Necromancer. See mortals, this proves that he isn't a real genuine  
Necromancer. He doesn't even know if Necromancers eat toast or not. Its all a sham!]  
  
I'm not a sham! How dare you insult me higher power! Come out and fight me like a man!  
  
[What are you gonna do? Poke me with the tree twig you call a wand?]  
  
I can do spells with my wand!  
  
(Ignores him.)  
  
[Dear mortals I have taken it upon myself to prove that this poor excuse of a man is indeed not  
worthy to even be called a grave digger! The following is the true story of this so called  
Necromancer's adventures.]  
  
. . . . . .  
  
. . . . . .  
  
. . . . . .  
. . . .  
. .  
. .   
.   
.   
.  
.  
  
Nothing's happening you stupid higher power!  
  
[At least my name doesn't spell Stupid backwards.]  
  
Are you making fun of my name given to me by my own mum?  
  
[Yes.]  
  
Well as long as you don't say she was fat I'm OK.  
  
[?]  
  
[Anyway. On with the footage.]  
  
[Yo! Tyreal get that footage rolling!]  
  
Tyreal: Gladly. (The screen is black with a couple of dust specks as the film of this  
Necromancer named Diputs begins.  
  
. . . .   
., . . .   
  
. . . ..   
].   
.   
.   
.   
.   
. 


	2. Your Momma's so fat!

I've decided to use [[these brackets]] to let you know that the higher voice is conversing. : )  
  
  
  
Chapter 2: Your Mommas so fat.  
  
  
  
[[It began in a small cottage out in the middle of no where. A baby boy was born much to the  
disappointment of the mother who wanted a girl so she could become a great Amazon one day.   
Don't ask me why, because she had no relation to the Amazons and had never even met one  
outside of the fairy tales, yet she admired their strength and beauty and really wished to raise  
one. Could be also due to the fact that she hated men. I don't blame her since the childs father  
left her once he found out she was pregnant and ran off with her best friend, but we won't get  
into that.]]  
  
. . . As long as you don't say she was fat!  
  
[[This boy grew up in a strange world. He talked to animals but they never talked back so he  
gave up the idea of being a Druid. He tried to yield a sword and wear a loincloth but only  
managed to stumble on the rather long loin cloth and fall over onto the sword which scarred him  
for life. Also scared those who happened to be watching. His little "fall" managed to reveal  
areas that not nobody should see.]]  
  
. . . . As long as you don't say she was fat. . .   
  
[[So he wasn't gonna follow the ways of a Barbarian. He tried to shoot a bow and arrow but his  
puny little arms could stretch even the tiniest of bow strings back. And much to his mothers  
disappointment he wasn't gonna be the super hero known as the Male Amazon.]]  
  
. . . .Because she wasn't fat.  
  
[[He was slow and couldn't sneak up on a deaf person so there were no Assassin guilds that  
would accept him into their academies. He got rejected fifty times.]]  
  
The fiftieth time proved that I wasn't meant to be an assassin. Yet who cares. My momma isn't  
fat.  
  
[[He was scared of fire, lightning and ice so he definitely wasn't gonna be a sorcerer or  
sorceress.]]  
  
. . .Did you just say she was fat?   
  
[[He had some sort of bad experience involving a Paladin so he was hesitant to be one of those.]]  
  
. . . Let me tell you again. My momma is not fat.  
  
[[Then he tried with all his might to raise his dead dog from the dead but couldn't so he decided  
to become a Necromancer.]]  
  
I did? Oh yeah? Now I remember. Do you think I look fat in this? (Gives us a full view of his  
rear in these really tight pants--not exactly a pleasant view.)  
  
[[Yes you look fat! What is this fascination you have with fat?]]  
  
As long as you don't say my momma was fat.  
  
[[Why?]]  
  
Because she wasn't.  
  
[[Should I say it?]] (Looks to audience.) [[Who knows a good "You momma's so fat . . ."   
joke?]]  
  
(Crickets chirp.)  
  
Tyreal: I think the connection to our audience is broken. There is absolutely no way to get an  
answer from them because they will not view this till the future.  
  
[[So lets go to the future.]]  
  
Tyreal: We have not the power to do so.  
  
[[But I am THE greater power. All you need is me. Let's go.]]  
  
Tyreal: We are forbidden by that guy that sits on the Emerald throne all day looking down at us.  
  
The Wizard of OZ? (Ignore him.)  
  
[[Well I guess we will have to just wait for the future to come to us to hear a "Your momma's so  
fat" joke."]]  
  
(Waits and the crickets have a ball.)  
  
[[Well I've decided to continue to relay my story of the Necromancer before he gets old and  
dies. We greater Powers and Angels can wait a long time. Unfortuanatly HE can not.]] (Points  
to a skeleton of a Necromancer.)  
  
[[But then again he is not really a Necromancer.]]  
  
(Becomes a chubby Necromancer.)  
  
[[I think your momma was fat if she resembles anything like you!]]  
  
What! I'm lucky to eat a high nutritional diet. I cleared the Rogues out of all their chickens.   
The people in Kurast out of all their fish and the Barbarians out of all their rabbits. And . . .  
WHAT! Did you just say my mom was fat!  
  
[[Yes.]]  
  
You said my momma was fat!  
  
[[Did you not hear me mortal?]]  
  
MY MOMMA'S NOT FAT! HOW DARE YOU SAY SHE IS FAT. HIGHER POWER! YOU  
SHALL NOW FEEL MY WRATH! (Attempt to curse the higher power. Nothing happens.)  
  
[[See? What did I tell you? A disgrace to all those who call themselves Necromancers.]]  
  
Why didn't it work? It worked before. Metal Girl! (Scratched head.) Isn't that what it was  
called? Copper Maiden? Iron Girl? Molten Virgin? I can't remember!  
  
  
  
Oh yes! Iron Maiden! I shall now perform Iron Maiden on you . . . where ever you are.  
  
[[What's that?]]  
  
I don't know. I just heard it is a really good skill. I think. All the Necromancers use it. I think.  
  
Where's that manuel? (Looks in pockets. Pulls out a rubber chicken.)  
  
Woops how did that get there?  
  
(Lots of items fall out of his pockets including a pocket watch, a quill pen-from a quill rat of  
course-don't ask me how he got it, a floppy disk, a peice of crumbled paper, a rock, a pillow, a  
TV guide, a cell phone, his wallet, and these really skimpy panties. . . )  
  
What! I swear I have no idea how those got there!   
  
[[So that stop at that . . . um . . . house, wasn't intentional?]]  
  
I had no idea they had stripper girls in there! I promise! Besides they were all corrupted  
anyway! Andariel ran quite a show!   
  
[[But we are not hear to talk about that! Were you looking for this book?]]  
  
(A huge book with stone front and back covers falls from the sky and onto Diputs's head.)  
  
(After coming back to consciousness . . . )  
  
Yes this is the book I was looking for. . . The guide to Necromancy for Dummies. It says even a  
child can follow this.  
  
[[And how old are you?]]  
  
I'm actually pretty old for my age.  
  
[[?]]  
  
I may look like I'm 35, but indeed I am 34.  
  
[[Big whoop. Can I kill him Tyreal? Why does he even continue to live? Can't we put him out  
of his misery?]]  
  
Tyreal: Now higher power, control yourself. You were gonna tell these nice mortals why he is  
not a real Necromancer.  
  
[[Of course. Thank you Angel.]]  
  
  
  
If you are laughing and don't know why, then I have done my job well. : ) 


	3. THe Unsummoned Summoned

Chapter 3: The Unsummoned Summoned  
  
  
[[This is what Diputs should really be saying to you. . .]]  
  
Today I am a Necromancer and yesterday I was just a normal guy. You have eight career  
choices in this world of Sanctuary. You can either be a Barbarian, Assassin, Druid, Paladin,  
Sorceress (or Sorcerer), Amazon, Necromancer, or just a normal everyday kind off  
farmer/peasant dude.  
  
Being an everyday boring, ordinary guy is too boring and uh, ordinary. So I bought the Guide to  
Necromancy for Dummies from this old guy named Gandalf . . . I mean Able . . . I mean Cain . .  
. I mean an old guy named Deckard. (Scratches head.) I think. Deck of Cards? He must of  
been quite a poker player in his younger days.  
  
Then I studied the book with great studiousness.   
  
[[You mean while on the toilet.]]  
  
Uh hum. (That was him clearing his throat by the way.)  
  
The coolest thing about Necromancy is that you can summon things from the great beyond.   
  
[[Huh?]]  
  
I mean . . . from the dead. (Scratches head. Dandruff falls like snow from his. . . head.) At least  
I think that's where they come from. To me it always seemed like they came from 'No Where',  
but where's that place? I believe there is a town called 'No Where' outside of Kurast, but No  
One's the only person that's ever been there.  
  
Well the first time I tried to summon things was quite an adventure. First of all to summon those  
skeleton people you gotta kill a bad guy. So naturally I killed a skeleton. Then I was supposed  
to assemble the skeleton in order to make it "come alive!" Mwa ha ha ha ha. Uh hum. . . .  
  
(On the movie theater screen a little movie appears of Diputs trying to assemble the skeleton.)  
  
Lets see the hip bone's connected to the shoulder. What type of bone is this! The butt bone?   
Hm. (Feels butt.) I wonder how you connect that. (Shrugs and throws it aside.) It doesn't need  
a butt anyway. It will just have to stand all the time and not sit down. OK. Got the leg  
connected now I wonder what this is used for? (Holds up a piece of metal which was a part of  
the original skeleton's sword but he didn't know it.) Hmm. I guess that goes here. (Puts it  
between the legs not realizing it wasn't even a part of the original skeletons, um, anatomy.)   
  
I knew I should have paid attention in anatomy class at that skeleton school run by skeletons in  
Skeletonville in sixth grade!  
  
(After glueing bones into strange places and such he got a strange looking peice of art work.)  
  
Now to make it COME ALIVE! It says I have to chant these words in the ancient Arcane  
language first said by Rathma. Well thanks for that useless peice of history! Now I can barely  
read this handwriting. Wonder who this Rathma guy is anyway. He, he. Um . . . It looks like it  
says . . . "Cum Ay Ly vah, Mes Ter Skel Ay Teen."  
  
(Nothing happened.)  
  
What? Maybe I said it wrong. Let me try again!   
  
"Comb Ah Lie Veh, Meese-Tier-Skell-A-Ten."  
  
(Nothing happened . . . again. The skeleton, if you can even call it that, was dead still.)  
  
UHG! Why is it not coming ALIVE! AHHHHH! Just come alive Mister Skeleton! Please!  
  
(The skeleton came alive!)  
  
What? Oh yeah! It's alive! It's Alive! Mwha ha ha ha ahah.  
  
(The skeleton takes one look at his master and dies again.)  
  
Doh!  
  
  
  
  
  
A deer. No, a female deer runs out into the meadow. A single ray or drop of golden sun peaks  
through the cloudy sky. Me, tells you to review and I laugh at my own bad jokes and puns.  
  
: ) 


	4. Goelm Galor!

Chapter 4: Golem Galore  
  
Then I tried to make a golem out of clay. It said I had to mold a piece of clay into a golem but I  
couldn't find any. So I decided to go onto the next golem which was the Blood Golem.  
  
It required me to get a hold of some blood. So I went on a killing spree and gathered a bowl full  
of pigs, cows, pigeons, fallen, zombie, and corrupted Rogue blood. Before I could even begin  
the ceremony that would make a blood Golem, the earth trembled and opened up. A bunch of  
ghost came into our world followed by Diablo himself. Turns out that the blood that I mixed  
together produced some portal which allowed those evil things from the great beyond, I mean  
from hell to come into our world.  
  
[[So it was you who brought Diablo into this world? I think you should hide because the whole  
human race would like to have your blood.]]  
  
That's just the thing. In order to make a Blood Golem I had to use my own blood.   
  
(So he cut himself crying like a little baby and a little drop of blood fell to the ground but  
nothing happened. You can relax now, because nothing "came alive".)  
  
Besides I eventually killed Diablo and sent him to the great beyond, I mean to the confinement  
of the soul stone, which was eventually destroyed. Who knows where he went from there.  
  
Then since I failed at producing both a clay and blood golem I decided to skip those and produce  
an Iron Golem. I had to find a lot of iron and melt it on order to "animate it" so I melted all my  
armor and my sword but it didn't work either.   
  
[[That's because it was made out of copper. Gheed sold you copper armor stupid, I mean,  
Diputs.]]  
  
So I thought I would just skip learning that and learn how to raise the strongest golem around . . .  
The Fire Golem. After burning myself on a bomb fire, nothing happed so I decided to give up on  
raising Golems all together. Then for some reason after the fire had gone out and for a reason I  
can't explain a golem did come out of the ashes and I became the first person to ever create a  
Ash Golem! Of course he died by one hit from a quill rat, but you don't need to know that. I  
named him Ashy. We were good friends for the whole half hour he was alive. He, he. 


End file.
